The End?

I've been really thinking about this one since my last blog entry, well actually before my last entry. Should I continue to write entries even though nothing is really going on in my life, I have very few friends and even the ones that I made at camp have stopped writing. Now I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, its partially my own fault but its also others fault as well.

I live in a part of the country which has no scene, I work in an industry that fall is the busiest time of the year. So I really can't get to many events, get togethers, that is why I want to move so badly, but it just doesn't seem that things are falling in place to make that possible

And since coming back from camp I've made some pretty stupid decisions when it comes down to a certain Dom that I was sure was the one for me,so I'm not too surprised that he has stopped talking to me. I begged for forgiveness and was told it was water under the bridge. But, I guess it was more like a Dam, it stopped all the water and now I'm feeling very alone. Not only will the one I wanted to call Sir not say a single word to me but I have only heard from his boy once in the last month when we used to talk all the time. I can understand him being busy with school and trying to study, but I sure miss him, miss his words and miss seeing his name online. I see Sirs name on quite often, but even when I say hi, I try to make the effort, I never get a response, am I on his ignore list? or does he see me saying hi and just choose to ignore me? I guess it really doesn't matter.

I've tried to move on, I've tried to message other Doms that I've read their profiles online, but it seems that the few that I've heard back from are so far away and I really don't want to move back east. I want to find something out here in the west where I live, would love to find someone here in Arizona but if I had to move to California then I would, but right now I really don't have a good reason to move.  Plus, there are lots of game players out there that aren't real, I've met a few that I thought may work out, we talk a few times on messenger, a few times on the phone, I allow them to read my blog to learn more about me and after that it seems that it scares them away, seems that I won't find that one Dom for me, the one that will want to know me, know me physically, sexually, mentally.

So, until I can think of a good reason to write, I think I will stop for awhile. I want to attend some events in the future such as IML, Camp Next year, and Folsom and hopefully some of the parties, but then again, it seems that the only bottom/sub that Doms want are the younger skinner guys, so whats the point in me continuing to try?

Take care everyone, see you later!

Tigger

Why?

This entry has nothing to do with the world I've been constantly talking about, this entry has everything to do with the one word question that I have right now and its Why?

Close to 2 hours ago, I found out that a girl that I grew up with took her own life on Tuesday, I don't know how and I really don't know when it happened, but I just want to know the answer to my one word question, Why?

Why was her life so bad, Why did the things that happen her life happen to make her come to this decision? Why did she decide to take her own life instead of talking to someone, Why? Why? Why?

Truthfully, I may never get the answer to my question. I had so many fun times as a child with her, I remember thinking I was the great and powerful Magician and performed some of my magic tricks at one of her birthday parties. I remember spending hours at her house, swimming, eating pizza, doing arts and crafts and pretending to be ponies, Why Jen, Why did you do it? Why was life so bad that you went and committed suicide?  Why didn't you talk to your friends and your family to get you through this time? Why didn't I read further into her message that she posted to face book. Why didn't it make sense to me?

I really only want the answer to my question, Why?  But the one to answer that question is gone from this world, gone from life, but she will never be gone from my heart. She will always be a friend of mine in life and in death. God Speed Jen, I loved you just like I love my own sister, Why Jen, Why?

Just don't know!

I know there are a few that read my blog. But since I came back from camp, I've had so many questions that keep popping up in my head, What do I write about? Does anyone read my blog? Am I just writing this blog to get things off my chest?  Am I ever going to find the one that will complete me? The one that knows me inside and out, the one that will hold me accountable to my words and my actions? I have ads posted anywhere and everywhere that I can possibly imagine, but being a bigger guy and in my mid 30's just doesn't seem to help my cause. How long will it take? I just have so many questions that I don't have a single answer to! I keep being told by my friends that are in the scene to give it time, that it will happen when its supposed to, but I guess my question is will it, my roommate has been looking for many years, he talks to lots of people and it seems that its just a fantasy, I'm tired of the fantasy, I really want it to be a reality. I just don't know!

Respect!

I really don't know how to start off this post. I've been thinking about it all day and all night, its been weighing heavy on my heart since an instance happened last night after I got home from having dinner.

After going out to dinner, I got home around 9:30 and saw a post from a friend of mine on instant messenger, I thought he was in need of help, but I was wrong, he was just in trouble with 2 Sirs and getting his butt blistered. I wrote back that he deserved it and then I wrote one of those most stupid statements that I've ever written, I'm not going to repeat what was said, but after I was called out on it, I felt so bad. I then sent a text message to one of them, and said something I wish I wouldn't of, but I said that I didn't know that they were reading the message, so I was asked Is that how you talk about me behind my back? I sent back that it was the first time that I had done so.

I haven't slept much, I've cried several times today (I'm not trying to make someone feel sorry for me either), Up until this point I felt that I had a decent relationship with these two men, but I'm starting to question whether or not that is the case now.  I've sent several text messages that have gone unanswered and I've been rather quiet most of the day, even while at work this weighed on my mind.

As I look back on it, I realize I was being very disrespectful to the two Doms that I call Sir, they aren't my Sir, but I still call them Sir out of respect. But, I wasn't respectful last night. I wish I could be near them today, so they could see how remorseful I am about this whole situation. I have great respect for both of them and want to show them how much.

Someone that doesn't know me or just happens to come across this blog may just ask themselves, why is he so upset about someone being upset with him? I guess its like a parent being disappointed and upset with one of their children, I have that much Respect for SirW and SirV that I feel this way, I feel like a child that has been sent to their room and is waiting to hear from them,  What to say? What to do to right this wrong?

SirV and SirW, I'm so sorry, can you please forgive me for this?

Tigger

Camp Red Tails, Part 2!

I just want to make a side note before I really begin this post, I met so many great people at camp that if I don't somehow include you in my post, I'm sorry. I've been trying to go day by day,but I've since learned instead of going that way, that I should just focus on the stuff that I can remember.

well, lets see, I guess I'll just give some highlights and low points on the rest of the days.

SirP and I hit it off really well, we have lots in common, tv shows, movies, like and dislikes, but I did something rather stupid with SirP, I decided I wanted another coke one morning, and I left SirP sitting with my Tigger coffee mug, he expected me to return and I never did.  I got busy talking to someone on the porch, he came up behind me, whispered in my ear, that we were still going to play 10 with 10, but that I had also earned a punishment spanking as well. (I haven't been punished since I was a child.) I thought the 10 with 10 was going to be awful and that I was going to end up with one well punished backside, well, it wasn't as bad as I had made it up in my mind. But, my punishment, which happened on Monday was awful, there were 3 different parts to it, the first part wasn't so bad, it still hurt like the dickens but I think the worst part was being made to kneel and wait for the 2nd part to start, I actually broke down and cried. It was a good thing, I hadn't cried while being punished since I was a child so it was good. After a good cry, SirP came and got me, and gave me a hug and asked if I was crying, I said Yes Sir, he asked why and I said that I was upset because I let him down, he said that he was touched by the gesture and we started the 2nd part of my punishment, my backside was sore, red and welted by the time we were done, we then went up to the Ice Cream social and sat, he told me that there was one portion left of my punishment and that I was supposed to get him before I went to bed, after sitting there and talking to him, I told him that I was getting tired and could we finish the spanking, Please. So we went back down to the woodshed and I had to choose one instrument, he chose one and another set was his hand, which he made me count out the strokes in Espanol. After this punishment, I gave him a big hug, told him thank you and scurried off to bed.

Another thing that I love when it comes down to Spanking type play, I love being flogged, I know if your just coming across this blog, I'm sure your asking yourself, how can he loved to be flogged? Its so comforting, sending me flying into a strong headspace. I had 2 different chances to be flogged, one I've already described and this was the second time, I've already mentioned SirJ and another time that we played, but this time he agreed to flog me and to use a single tail (only my 2nd time doing so). He had setup some rope that was hung over one of the boards at the top of the woodshed(can't think of its name), it was a comfortable position to be in, he then started off slowly, and worked up to a faster pace and to stronger types of floggers, one my back was well warmed, I think heard the familar sound, crack, crack, crack, every time I hear a single tail crack it send a chill down my spine.  I never count the number of strokes, but I know that I did quite well for only my 2nd time.

Another type of play I enjoy is being caned, it hurts but the hurt never last very long. I was caned I don't know how many times, but each time was a different experience, because each person that I played with used it in a different way.

One afternoon, as I was sitting on the pads in the woodshed, I was just trying to stay cool, Copper, one of the men in charge of  camp, was playing with some others, after he got done, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to play, I had seen him play with several others and saw how hard he spanks, I was excited but also quite nervous, he asked me what I prefer, leather or wood, I said I hate paddles, he said fine and started to get different straps out of his bag and setting them beside him, I then climbed up on the horse, after baring my butt, I had no idea what to expect, but I sure found out fast, he started off hard, slow, but hard and it never got softer either, he used several straps but finished off with the razor strop,  this was the first time that I had ever felt the razor strop, and I have a feeling it won't be my last either.

I saw many different kinds of play taking place at camp and a few of them sent chills up my spine, one was being strapped on the back by a very heavy strap, another was some strange hot irons that were being used, a little cbt action as well.

But, I think my favorite part of camp, is when I asked SirV to play, he agreed and we walked to the woodshed. I've been wanting to ask him since the first of camp, but decided to wait, wish I hadn't of waited but it was well worth it. I wish I could remember more of the session, but when your on a headtrip as much as I was, its hard to remember details. Since it was the first time that SirV and I had played together, he checked with me several times during the session to see if I was ok and if I wanted to continue, which I said Yes, Sir that I was fine and wanted to continue.  At one point, he stops the play completely and I was thinking I'm not done yet, but unknown to me, my "brother" was also going to be playing, I was so happy to be enjoying this time with him and his Sir, it was quite the honor.  After my "brother" was done with his first set, it was my turn again, I was scolded very briefly for not communicating properly with SirV about the restraints that were being used and how it wasn't very comfortable. So I stepped back into the stocks and we continued our session, with small reminders for me to keep my head down, after we were done, he allowed me to hug him, boy was that wonderful, and it felt good to hear him say that I had done good. I then sat on the bench behind us and watch my "brother" continue the session, when it was over with, we all sat down on the carpet and we were told when we were ready that we were to join SirV on the porch. We gathered our thoughts, redressed and went to the porch.

My last day of camp, I was up around 6:30 in the morning, got showered, then got dressed and then went down to the pool to get my tigger towel (before I got spanked again for leaving it down at the pool), I sat back and cried thinking of how much I was going to be miss everyone. I had already seen some people leave the camp, I tried to remain strong while saying goodbye to some, I wasn't really upset saying goodbye to the ones that I really hadn't gotten to know. But, when my "brother" left I cried, when pup left I cried, and on the day that I left I cried. Truthfully, it was the hardest to leave people that I got for know for months before I got to camp on chat and on instant messenger, such as Copper, Vern, SirV, but there were a few others that I hadn't chatted with that I got to know such as SirL, SirJ and SirP.  It was hard saying goodbye, but I had hope that it wouldn't take a year to get the chance tosee them again and talk.

Camp Red Tails, A Tigger tale! Part 1

Where to start, hmmm, well there are just so many things to tell about camp. One thing though, I will not use anyones real name while telling my tales.

So, I present to you, A Red Tails Story by Tigger!

I traveled from Arizona to San Francisco on Tuesday July 13. The flight wasn't bad, landed in much cooler temperatures. Took a shuttle to the place that I was staying the Castro District.  Great place to stay, would stay there again if the chance came up.

I spent Tuesday night, exploring the Castro since I've never been there before, went out to eat and then went out to Moby Dicks and The Edge, seems that the guys in the Castro are a little too nice too the new guy in town because I go pretty well drunk from people buying me drinks. I know I could of turned them down, but I guess I was just trying to be too nice, by 9 pm I was on the walk back to my room for the night. I passed out and woke up refreshed the next morning.

Wednesday morning, I got up, went down the street and had a cup of coffee with some crepes. I think took the trolley down to Fisherman's wharf, where I grabbed a banana shake and started walking around taking pictures. After awhile I decided to walk a little further and go visit Ghiradelli and get some chocolate. As I was walking around I came across a good deal to take a tour of the city, on the tour got to see lots of the awesome sights around San Francisco. I won't go into great details about the tour, but if you've been to San Francisco then you've seen the same sights. After, a long day, I took the trolley back to the Castro and met the guy that was giving me a ride to camp the next day. We went out to Harvey's for dinner and then went and walked around the castro for awhile before parting ways.

Thursday morning, I got up, made sure my stuff was packed and ready for when my ride was going to pick me up, I think walked down the street to Orphan Andys, for an Omelet with Spinach and feta cheese and a side of pancakes. Walking back full, I only had to wait until my ride called and came to pick me up. The guy that picked up is wonderful, I think we have become great friends of the past few weeks. The ride up to camp was fun, we stopped and had a bite to eat, then went to walmart and picked up "supplies" for camp (squirt guns, water balloons, water balls.) Once we got done shopping, I called ahead to make sure that registration was open and was told that it was, so we drove just a little further down the road and pulled on the dirt road where camp is held at, as we drove down towards The Woodshed (main play area), I love the way that the camp was laid out. As we exited his car, I knew that the fun was about to begin but boy, I had no idea what was in store for me.

As we approached the registration table, there sat or stood many of the men that I had talked to online, I knew some of them from pictures that I've seen in the past but it was so nice to finally have the chance to meet in person. After I signed the waiver form, I was pulled aside by SirJ, he told me to strip, I was taken a little aback by this but said Yes, Sir and started to do as he asked, I took off my shirt, put it to the side, then dropped my kilt, I then looked back up and said boots too? He said Yes, so I did as I was told, I was then told to assume different positions as I was looked over, I was then told to redress, and I did as I was told, just as I got completely dressed, I heard from the registration table, lets give this boy an idea of whats to come. So SirJ, went inside and came back with a leather paddle, made me grab on to a chair and gave me 10 good ones, my head was swimming and I was so excited to have camp start off on a high note. One strange thing though, Why was I the only one to be given a strip search?????

So, after registration, I was followed to my car by SirV and he helped me with my bags up the room that I was staying in, my room was in the main lodge up the stairs, I guess you could say it was actually like a camp, because I slept in a bunk bead, brought back childhood memories of  camp. After I got my room all setup, I took my ice cream Tigger down to meet everyone that was still hanging around on the porch. Truthfully, my mind is now getting a little fuzzy about what happened after this point on the particular day. I remember later on in the evening, some play was taking place, one of the campers was trying to avoid having a paddle taken by a Dom and so he dropped it out the door, well since I was trying to be an outstanding camper and keep out of trouble, I picked it up and held it for this camper, the Dom then asked for the paddle and the camper said he didn't know where it was and he really didn't cause I had it.  Once he started to get spanked and asked again where the paddle was, I decided to take it out of my pocket and hold it out so where the camper could find his paddle, well, I somehow got in trouble for doing this, I still don't understand what I  did to get spanked, but after he was done with the one camper, the Dom came over and decided that I had something to do with the disappearing paddle and decided to give me a taste of it as well, it just wasn't fair. So, I went to bed that night with a sore bottom, but not really knowing how sore I was to be in the days to come.

The following day started off well, I finally got to meet my "little brother" at least that I what I consider him. We had spent quite some time chatting and sending text messages back and forth. We hit it off from the start, we then had a great breakfast and coffee (the drink of champions!) The day before at registration the guy that I rode with (I'll call him s.) Well, S. had brought a note from home that was supposedly from his mom and dad, this not was handed to one of the men that run the camp, lets say MrC, in this note from s's parents it stated that he was NOT to be spanked and a good talking to was all that he needed to correct his behavior, well, true to the note, he was not spanked the night before. But instead he was going to be tried at Kangaroo Court the next day of whether the note was real or was it a forgery. I wish that s would of spoken up and told me what happens to defense attorneys at camp, but I wasn't told until I volunteered to be his counsel. Well to make a long story short, the trial didn't go very well nor did it take very long, a guilty verdict was handed down and we were summoned to the Judges desk to accept our punishment. Yes, thats right I said OUR punishment. The punishment was 2 strokes from every person that attended the court case for S and then I got half of what he got, so I got 1 stroke from each person there, there was a choice of 2 things that they could choose to use on us, either a paddle with holes in it or a strap, my bottom was black and blue by the time we were done. I decided to take it easy the rest of the afternoon, the only play that I did on that day was being flogged and strapped on the back by L.

Hopefully I can remember the rest, I know there are bits and pieces to share but I'm hoping that I can remember from day to day, just bear with me

Last post before my flight!

I just had to post one more time before leaving for San Francisco tomorrow. I am as giddy as a school before before his first day of school. I know, its going to go by so fast, that I will be asking where did it all go. But, I can look forward to it just as well.

What to really say right now, slips my mind. I just want to say that those that are going to camp I will see you there really soon