Why?

This entry has nothing to do with the world I've been constantly talking about, this entry has everything to do with the one word question that I have right now and its Why?

Close to 2 hours ago, I found out that a girl that I grew up with took her own life on Tuesday, I don't know how and I really don't know when it happened, but I just want to know the answer to my one word question, Why?

Why was her life so bad, Why did the things that happen her life happen to make her come to this decision? Why did she decide to take her own life instead of talking to someone, Why? Why? Why?

Truthfully, I may never get the answer to my question. I had so many fun times as a child with her, I remember thinking I was the great and powerful Magician and performed some of my magic tricks at one of her birthday parties. I remember spending hours at her house, swimming, eating pizza, doing arts and crafts and pretending to be ponies, Why Jen, Why did you do it? Why was life so bad that you went and committed suicide?  Why didn't you talk to your friends and your family to get you through this time? Why didn't I read further into her message that she posted to face book. Why didn't it make sense to me?

I really only want the answer to my question, Why?  But the one to answer that question is gone from this world, gone from life, but she will never be gone from my heart. She will always be a friend of mine in life and in death. God Speed Jen, I loved you just like I love my own sister, Why Jen, Why?

Just don't know!

I know there are a few that read my blog. But since I came back from camp, I've had so many questions that keep popping up in my head, What do I write about? Does anyone read my blog? Am I just writing this blog to get things off my chest?  Am I ever going to find the one that will complete me? The one that knows me inside and out, the one that will hold me accountable to my words and my actions? I have ads posted anywhere and everywhere that I can possibly imagine, but being a bigger guy and in my mid 30's just doesn't seem to help my cause. How long will it take? I just have so many questions that I don't have a single answer to! I keep being told by my friends that are in the scene to give it time, that it will happen when its supposed to, but I guess my question is will it, my roommate has been looking for many years, he talks to lots of people and it seems that its just a fantasy, I'm tired of the fantasy, I really want it to be a reality. I just don't know!