The End?

I've been really thinking about this one since my last blog entry, well actually before my last entry. Should I continue to write entries even though nothing is really going on in my life, I have very few friends and even the ones that I made at camp have stopped writing. Now I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, its partially my own fault but its also others fault as well.

I live in a part of the country which has no scene, I work in an industry that fall is the busiest time of the year. So I really can't get to many events, get togethers, that is why I want to move so badly, but it just doesn't seem that things are falling in place to make that possible

And since coming back from camp I've made some pretty stupid decisions when it comes down to a certain Dom that I was sure was the one for me,so I'm not too surprised that he has stopped talking to me. I begged for forgiveness and was told it was water under the bridge. But, I guess it was more like a Dam, it stopped all the water and now I'm feeling very alone. Not only will the one I wanted to call Sir not say a single word to me but I have only heard from his boy once in the last month when we used to talk all the time. I can understand him being busy with school and trying to study, but I sure miss him, miss his words and miss seeing his name online. I see Sirs name on quite often, but even when I say hi, I try to make the effort, I never get a response, am I on his ignore list? or does he see me saying hi and just choose to ignore me? I guess it really doesn't matter.

I've tried to move on, I've tried to message other Doms that I've read their profiles online, but it seems that the few that I've heard back from are so far away and I really don't want to move back east. I want to find something out here in the west where I live, would love to find someone here in Arizona but if I had to move to California then I would, but right now I really don't have a good reason to move.  Plus, there are lots of game players out there that aren't real, I've met a few that I thought may work out, we talk a few times on messenger, a few times on the phone, I allow them to read my blog to learn more about me and after that it seems that it scares them away, seems that I won't find that one Dom for me, the one that will want to know me, know me physically, sexually, mentally.

So, until I can think of a good reason to write, I think I will stop for awhile. I want to attend some events in the future such as IML, Camp Next year, and Folsom and hopefully some of the parties, but then again, it seems that the only bottom/sub that Doms want are the younger skinner guys, so whats the point in me continuing to try?

Take care everyone, see you later!

Tigger

Why?

This entry has nothing to do with the world I've been constantly talking about, this entry has everything to do with the one word question that I have right now and its Why?

Close to 2 hours ago, I found out that a girl that I grew up with took her own life on Tuesday, I don't know how and I really don't know when it happened, but I just want to know the answer to my one word question, Why?

Why was her life so bad, Why did the things that happen her life happen to make her come to this decision? Why did she decide to take her own life instead of talking to someone, Why? Why? Why?

Truthfully, I may never get the answer to my question. I had so many fun times as a child with her, I remember thinking I was the great and powerful Magician and performed some of my magic tricks at one of her birthday parties. I remember spending hours at her house, swimming, eating pizza, doing arts and crafts and pretending to be ponies, Why Jen, Why did you do it? Why was life so bad that you went and committed suicide?  Why didn't you talk to your friends and your family to get you through this time? Why didn't I read further into her message that she posted to face book. Why didn't it make sense to me?

I really only want the answer to my question, Why?  But the one to answer that question is gone from this world, gone from life, but she will never be gone from my heart. She will always be a friend of mine in life and in death. God Speed Jen, I loved you just like I love my own sister, Why Jen, Why?

Just don't know!

I know there are a few that read my blog. But since I came back from camp, I've had so many questions that keep popping up in my head, What do I write about? Does anyone read my blog? Am I just writing this blog to get things off my chest?  Am I ever going to find the one that will complete me? The one that knows me inside and out, the one that will hold me accountable to my words and my actions? I have ads posted anywhere and everywhere that I can possibly imagine, but being a bigger guy and in my mid 30's just doesn't seem to help my cause. How long will it take? I just have so many questions that I don't have a single answer to! I keep being told by my friends that are in the scene to give it time, that it will happen when its supposed to, but I guess my question is will it, my roommate has been looking for many years, he talks to lots of people and it seems that its just a fantasy, I'm tired of the fantasy, I really want it to be a reality. I just don't know!

Respect!

I really don't know how to start off this post. I've been thinking about it all day and all night, its been weighing heavy on my heart since an instance happened last night after I got home from having dinner.

After going out to dinner, I got home around 9:30 and saw a post from a friend of mine on instant messenger, I thought he was in need of help, but I was wrong, he was just in trouble with 2 Sirs and getting his butt blistered. I wrote back that he deserved it and then I wrote one of those most stupid statements that I've ever written, I'm not going to repeat what was said, but after I was called out on it, I felt so bad. I then sent a text message to one of them, and said something I wish I wouldn't of, but I said that I didn't know that they were reading the message, so I was asked Is that how you talk about me behind my back? I sent back that it was the first time that I had done so.

I haven't slept much, I've cried several times today (I'm not trying to make someone feel sorry for me either), Up until this point I felt that I had a decent relationship with these two men, but I'm starting to question whether or not that is the case now.  I've sent several text messages that have gone unanswered and I've been rather quiet most of the day, even while at work this weighed on my mind.

As I look back on it, I realize I was being very disrespectful to the two Doms that I call Sir, they aren't my Sir, but I still call them Sir out of respect. But, I wasn't respectful last night. I wish I could be near them today, so they could see how remorseful I am about this whole situation. I have great respect for both of them and want to show them how much.

Someone that doesn't know me or just happens to come across this blog may just ask themselves, why is he so upset about someone being upset with him? I guess its like a parent being disappointed and upset with one of their children, I have that much Respect for SirW and SirV that I feel this way, I feel like a child that has been sent to their room and is waiting to hear from them,  What to say? What to do to right this wrong?

SirV and SirW, I'm so sorry, can you please forgive me for this?

Tigger

Camp Red Tails, Part 2!

I just want to make a side note before I really begin this post, I met so many great people at camp that if I don't somehow include you in my post, I'm sorry. I've been trying to go day by day,but I've since learned instead of going that way, that I should just focus on the stuff that I can remember.

well, lets see, I guess I'll just give some highlights and low points on the rest of the days.

SirP and I hit it off really well, we have lots in common, tv shows, movies, like and dislikes, but I did something rather stupid with SirP, I decided I wanted another coke one morning, and I left SirP sitting with my Tigger coffee mug, he expected me to return and I never did.  I got busy talking to someone on the porch, he came up behind me, whispered in my ear, that we were still going to play 10 with 10, but that I had also earned a punishment spanking as well. (I haven't been punished since I was a child.) I thought the 10 with 10 was going to be awful and that I was going to end up with one well punished backside, well, it wasn't as bad as I had made it up in my mind. But, my punishment, which happened on Monday was awful, there were 3 different parts to it, the first part wasn't so bad, it still hurt like the dickens but I think the worst part was being made to kneel and wait for the 2nd part to start, I actually broke down and cried. It was a good thing, I hadn't cried while being punished since I was a child so it was good. After a good cry, SirP came and got me, and gave me a hug and asked if I was crying, I said Yes Sir, he asked why and I said that I was upset because I let him down, he said that he was touched by the gesture and we started the 2nd part of my punishment, my backside was sore, red and welted by the time we were done, we then went up to the Ice Cream social and sat, he told me that there was one portion left of my punishment and that I was supposed to get him before I went to bed, after sitting there and talking to him, I told him that I was getting tired and could we finish the spanking, Please. So we went back down to the woodshed and I had to choose one instrument, he chose one and another set was his hand, which he made me count out the strokes in Espanol. After this punishment, I gave him a big hug, told him thank you and scurried off to bed.

Another thing that I love when it comes down to Spanking type play, I love being flogged, I know if your just coming across this blog, I'm sure your asking yourself, how can he loved to be flogged? Its so comforting, sending me flying into a strong headspace. I had 2 different chances to be flogged, one I've already described and this was the second time, I've already mentioned SirJ and another time that we played, but this time he agreed to flog me and to use a single tail (only my 2nd time doing so). He had setup some rope that was hung over one of the boards at the top of the woodshed(can't think of its name), it was a comfortable position to be in, he then started off slowly, and worked up to a faster pace and to stronger types of floggers, one my back was well warmed, I think heard the familar sound, crack, crack, crack, every time I hear a single tail crack it send a chill down my spine.  I never count the number of strokes, but I know that I did quite well for only my 2nd time.

Another type of play I enjoy is being caned, it hurts but the hurt never last very long. I was caned I don't know how many times, but each time was a different experience, because each person that I played with used it in a different way.

One afternoon, as I was sitting on the pads in the woodshed, I was just trying to stay cool, Copper, one of the men in charge of  camp, was playing with some others, after he got done, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to play, I had seen him play with several others and saw how hard he spanks, I was excited but also quite nervous, he asked me what I prefer, leather or wood, I said I hate paddles, he said fine and started to get different straps out of his bag and setting them beside him, I then climbed up on the horse, after baring my butt, I had no idea what to expect, but I sure found out fast, he started off hard, slow, but hard and it never got softer either, he used several straps but finished off with the razor strop,  this was the first time that I had ever felt the razor strop, and I have a feeling it won't be my last either.

I saw many different kinds of play taking place at camp and a few of them sent chills up my spine, one was being strapped on the back by a very heavy strap, another was some strange hot irons that were being used, a little cbt action as well.

But, I think my favorite part of camp, is when I asked SirV to play, he agreed and we walked to the woodshed. I've been wanting to ask him since the first of camp, but decided to wait, wish I hadn't of waited but it was well worth it. I wish I could remember more of the session, but when your on a headtrip as much as I was, its hard to remember details. Since it was the first time that SirV and I had played together, he checked with me several times during the session to see if I was ok and if I wanted to continue, which I said Yes, Sir that I was fine and wanted to continue.  At one point, he stops the play completely and I was thinking I'm not done yet, but unknown to me, my "brother" was also going to be playing, I was so happy to be enjoying this time with him and his Sir, it was quite the honor.  After my "brother" was done with his first set, it was my turn again, I was scolded very briefly for not communicating properly with SirV about the restraints that were being used and how it wasn't very comfortable. So I stepped back into the stocks and we continued our session, with small reminders for me to keep my head down, after we were done, he allowed me to hug him, boy was that wonderful, and it felt good to hear him say that I had done good. I then sat on the bench behind us and watch my "brother" continue the session, when it was over with, we all sat down on the carpet and we were told when we were ready that we were to join SirV on the porch. We gathered our thoughts, redressed and went to the porch.

My last day of camp, I was up around 6:30 in the morning, got showered, then got dressed and then went down to the pool to get my tigger towel (before I got spanked again for leaving it down at the pool), I sat back and cried thinking of how much I was going to be miss everyone. I had already seen some people leave the camp, I tried to remain strong while saying goodbye to some, I wasn't really upset saying goodbye to the ones that I really hadn't gotten to know. But, when my "brother" left I cried, when pup left I cried, and on the day that I left I cried. Truthfully, it was the hardest to leave people that I got for know for months before I got to camp on chat and on instant messenger, such as Copper, Vern, SirV, but there were a few others that I hadn't chatted with that I got to know such as SirL, SirJ and SirP.  It was hard saying goodbye, but I had hope that it wouldn't take a year to get the chance tosee them again and talk.

Camp Red Tails, A Tigger tale! Part 1

Where to start, hmmm, well there are just so many things to tell about camp. One thing though, I will not use anyones real name while telling my tales.

So, I present to you, A Red Tails Story by Tigger!

I traveled from Arizona to San Francisco on Tuesday July 13. The flight wasn't bad, landed in much cooler temperatures. Took a shuttle to the place that I was staying the Castro District.  Great place to stay, would stay there again if the chance came up.

I spent Tuesday night, exploring the Castro since I've never been there before, went out to eat and then went out to Moby Dicks and The Edge, seems that the guys in the Castro are a little too nice too the new guy in town because I go pretty well drunk from people buying me drinks. I know I could of turned them down, but I guess I was just trying to be too nice, by 9 pm I was on the walk back to my room for the night. I passed out and woke up refreshed the next morning.

Wednesday morning, I got up, went down the street and had a cup of coffee with some crepes. I think took the trolley down to Fisherman's wharf, where I grabbed a banana shake and started walking around taking pictures. After awhile I decided to walk a little further and go visit Ghiradelli and get some chocolate. As I was walking around I came across a good deal to take a tour of the city, on the tour got to see lots of the awesome sights around San Francisco. I won't go into great details about the tour, but if you've been to San Francisco then you've seen the same sights. After, a long day, I took the trolley back to the Castro and met the guy that was giving me a ride to camp the next day. We went out to Harvey's for dinner and then went and walked around the castro for awhile before parting ways.

Thursday morning, I got up, made sure my stuff was packed and ready for when my ride was going to pick me up, I think walked down the street to Orphan Andys, for an Omelet with Spinach and feta cheese and a side of pancakes. Walking back full, I only had to wait until my ride called and came to pick me up. The guy that picked up is wonderful, I think we have become great friends of the past few weeks. The ride up to camp was fun, we stopped and had a bite to eat, then went to walmart and picked up "supplies" for camp (squirt guns, water balloons, water balls.) Once we got done shopping, I called ahead to make sure that registration was open and was told that it was, so we drove just a little further down the road and pulled on the dirt road where camp is held at, as we drove down towards The Woodshed (main play area), I love the way that the camp was laid out. As we exited his car, I knew that the fun was about to begin but boy, I had no idea what was in store for me.

As we approached the registration table, there sat or stood many of the men that I had talked to online, I knew some of them from pictures that I've seen in the past but it was so nice to finally have the chance to meet in person. After I signed the waiver form, I was pulled aside by SirJ, he told me to strip, I was taken a little aback by this but said Yes, Sir and started to do as he asked, I took off my shirt, put it to the side, then dropped my kilt, I then looked back up and said boots too? He said Yes, so I did as I was told, I was then told to assume different positions as I was looked over, I was then told to redress, and I did as I was told, just as I got completely dressed, I heard from the registration table, lets give this boy an idea of whats to come. So SirJ, went inside and came back with a leather paddle, made me grab on to a chair and gave me 10 good ones, my head was swimming and I was so excited to have camp start off on a high note. One strange thing though, Why was I the only one to be given a strip search?????

So, after registration, I was followed to my car by SirV and he helped me with my bags up the room that I was staying in, my room was in the main lodge up the stairs, I guess you could say it was actually like a camp, because I slept in a bunk bead, brought back childhood memories of  camp. After I got my room all setup, I took my ice cream Tigger down to meet everyone that was still hanging around on the porch. Truthfully, my mind is now getting a little fuzzy about what happened after this point on the particular day. I remember later on in the evening, some play was taking place, one of the campers was trying to avoid having a paddle taken by a Dom and so he dropped it out the door, well since I was trying to be an outstanding camper and keep out of trouble, I picked it up and held it for this camper, the Dom then asked for the paddle and the camper said he didn't know where it was and he really didn't cause I had it.  Once he started to get spanked and asked again where the paddle was, I decided to take it out of my pocket and hold it out so where the camper could find his paddle, well, I somehow got in trouble for doing this, I still don't understand what I  did to get spanked, but after he was done with the one camper, the Dom came over and decided that I had something to do with the disappearing paddle and decided to give me a taste of it as well, it just wasn't fair. So, I went to bed that night with a sore bottom, but not really knowing how sore I was to be in the days to come.

The following day started off well, I finally got to meet my "little brother" at least that I what I consider him. We had spent quite some time chatting and sending text messages back and forth. We hit it off from the start, we then had a great breakfast and coffee (the drink of champions!) The day before at registration the guy that I rode with (I'll call him s.) Well, S. had brought a note from home that was supposedly from his mom and dad, this not was handed to one of the men that run the camp, lets say MrC, in this note from s's parents it stated that he was NOT to be spanked and a good talking to was all that he needed to correct his behavior, well, true to the note, he was not spanked the night before. But instead he was going to be tried at Kangaroo Court the next day of whether the note was real or was it a forgery. I wish that s would of spoken up and told me what happens to defense attorneys at camp, but I wasn't told until I volunteered to be his counsel. Well to make a long story short, the trial didn't go very well nor did it take very long, a guilty verdict was handed down and we were summoned to the Judges desk to accept our punishment. Yes, thats right I said OUR punishment. The punishment was 2 strokes from every person that attended the court case for S and then I got half of what he got, so I got 1 stroke from each person there, there was a choice of 2 things that they could choose to use on us, either a paddle with holes in it or a strap, my bottom was black and blue by the time we were done. I decided to take it easy the rest of the afternoon, the only play that I did on that day was being flogged and strapped on the back by L.

Hopefully I can remember the rest, I know there are bits and pieces to share but I'm hoping that I can remember from day to day, just bear with me

Last post before my flight!

I just had to post one more time before leaving for San Francisco tomorrow. I am as giddy as a school before before his first day of school. I know, its going to go by so fast, that I will be asking where did it all go. But, I can look forward to it just as well.

What to really say right now, slips my mind. I just want to say that those that are going to camp I will see you there really soon

Camp Red Tails!

I keep referring to camp red tails. Geez, I can't wait. I leave in only a few more short days. I'm actually flying into San Francisco, 2 days before camp starts. I wanted a full vacation away from my everyday life and decided to take it. I'm going to be going and being a tourist, staying in the Castro District. I found a place to stay with a guy that says his is a leatherman, has his own dungeon, pretty cool and its a lot cheaper than most of the hotels in the area.

On Thursday morning around 10, I'll be riding with a friend of mine that I feel that I've gotten close to over the past few weeks as we have talked, shared feeling and been 2 complete brats who have been bratting Doms. Not real smart on our part but ya know, you only live once and I guess this is my time to do it. Will I be blistered, have my ass tore up. God Yes, and I'm so looking forward to it as well. The drive up should be fun and interesting, we are stopping at a few different places, walmart, out to eat, etc.

Once we actually pull on to camp property let the fun begin, I've already decided on the outfit that I'm wearing to camp, I may get some strange looks from people on the way to camp, but I really don't care. I'm really expecting the whole experience to be fun and for some reason I think that I'll be stripped searched at registration. So many questions?

I know this has been a fun post, but on a more serious side, I finally get friends that I've been talking to online for awhile now. I get to put faces with their names. Hopefully, I will get the chance to have some time with the very few people that I use the term Sir with. One comes to mind more than the rest, but I'm not going to push my dreams too far and get my hopes up.

I'm going to leave this post with the words that I use in all of them!

Only time can tell!

Questions? Camp?

After making some bad choices last night did I completely destroyed anything that I could of had? Did I go about it completely wrong? I know that the one that I was hoping would someday be my Sir was upset, that it was my fault what happened between him and his boy and what got him in trouble as well. Why didn't I fall down to my knees and beg him for forgiveness, seems that someone in my situation would of  done this. Someone that I respect greater than I have ever respected in the past, from reading his blogs, to talking to him on a really personal level day to day, getting upset with myself and shedding tears when I do or say something stupid to make him upset with me? I was hoping to petition him to be one of his boys, but I may have completely destroyed that.

I was so looking forward to spending time with him in the next week, getting to know him on a really personal level and letting him do the same with me. I so badly wanted to get to know his boy, his Sir and his friends. But, have I ruined it all with my actions, my emotions. Will he still want to be around me, will he still use his strap, his paddle, his hands the way that he has promised in the past before last night?

I've been so looking forward to Camp Red Tails and my trip to San Francisco. Now I'm not so sure! Do I want to go to meet everyone, to put a name with a face, Yes I want to go for this reason. Do I want to go to be spanked, Yes. But, in all the fun, will I be able to look the man in the face that I feel I've disappointed on such a level, that he may or may not speak to me. Is he as disappointed in me as I am in myself? or maybe I just hold myself to a certain level. I know that I'm not his but I sure have dreamed about it, ever since I talked to him for the first time.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, maybe I'm just upset with myself, but Only time can tell!

Upset?

This is my blog and I'm going to use it, just to complain for a moment. It seems that I've caused quite a rift between 2 people and I'm rather tore up about it. I'm sorry that it happened, I'm sorry that I opened my big fat mouth about it. Especially since the one that I think I hurt the most is the one that I hope someday to call Sir, I already say Sir to him but I can imagine it meaning so much more.

I got to the point tonight, that I just couldn't hold it in anymore, I keep putting it into words, keep hiding behind my words. So, I know I didn't say it to his face, or even to his chat box, but instead once he logged off with me considering that he is upset with me. I completely came out and told him how I feel. On 2nd chance now wish I would of waited for camp to get to know him better, but seems that I learn more and more about him every time that we talk.

I guess my biggest question to ask is "Is the ready for another boy?" After all this am I possibly one that he is looking for? Should I petition him? I have so many questions, that I want answer for,. But, hopefully time will soon tell!

For joey!

My friend joey posted his in his blog, he said send it by e-mail but I thought it would be more fun to post it on here. So here it goes!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, My fathers first name is the same as mine, we have the same initials but a different middle name

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? This afternoon

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, I have never really like my handwriting

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Pastrami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nope and don't see any in the future

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think I would, I'm a caring loving guy
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? depends on the people and the situation

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yep sure do

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, but does rappelling count?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Life

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
The only shoes I own that have laces are my boots, so I do them!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically Yes; Emotionally not so sure

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Pistachio

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? how they carry themselves

15. RED OR PINK? Pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weight

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sister, she lives on an Island in the Carribean

18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?Brown

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? a burrito

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of the wall AC unit

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green

22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Men, Sweat, fresh air in the morning, the grass after its just rained

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Father

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? Beach house, love the water

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Wrestling, Football, baseball

27. HAIR COLOR? Dark Brown

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, can't get them to stay in my eyes

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Pizza

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Hackers

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black with gray stripes

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter, love the cold

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Love the smell of being wrapped up in a man's arms

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? It may sound strange, but I love warm Chocolate Chip Cookies

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? Strength training bring on the weight

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Computer

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I really don't read a lot

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a picture from white bay in Jost Van Dyke, BVI

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Cane swishing through the air

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? France

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? my hitchhikers thumbs

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Winterpark, Florida

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Sedona

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Greyish blue

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? Silver

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? nah, not really

Not too sure?

I've been discussing for quite sometime with my friends and fellow bloggers what my next topic should be and I've gotten lots of great suggestions, should I write about my anticipation for camp that is coming up??? should I write about some not so positive experiences that I've had in the past???

I would love to write about either of these, but maybe I'm just getting impatient, but to hear my friends talk about their Sirs, their Masters, their Dominants is making me rather sad. I know that the journey to finding the right one is a long one and many are never successful. But those that are seem to me to be happy, joyful and are really looking forward to continuing their journey. Some would say that is just part of life. Its a journey. I know these things!

Some would say your just starting to be truthful with yourself on who you really are, so how can you say you have been looking for years, lots of years, for your Sir! This is true, I had to fully be honest with myself that I'm a gay man, I tried for many years the whole straight thing, I think it was more about making my parents happy than it was making me happy. No, I still haven't come out to my parents, but I already blogged on that subject.

Am I being too whiny about this? Am I being too desperate about this? The questions just go on and on in my head, it drives me to tears sometimes just thinking about this? Is there someone out there, A Dominant for myself? someone that cares to know me? that would care about me? Get to know me inside and out? Every day I look at myself in the mirror, am I too big, am I too heavy to be loved? There are so many Tops/Doms/Dads/Sirs/Masters out there that constantly look over the ones that are too old, too heavy, not experienced enough for someone a lot smaller, skinner, younger.

This has been one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes down to this lifestyle, more than once I've stepped back and said is this where I want to go, is this the road that I really want to take??? And more than once, I have always said Yes, this is exactly what I want! Yes, I want someone that is willing to accept me for who I am, what I am, someone that is willing to be my Sir.

As I've said in almost everyone of my blog post: Only time can tell, what, when and who!

A Real man?

I was having a discussion with some friends of mine and one of them who tends to joke a lot said to me well how about your take Andrew and Josh with you to camp, well, my response was that they weren't man enough to go. All that I heard was silence and then one of them spoke up and said What do you mean they aren't man enough?

I don't think everyone will agree with me but in my opinion it takes a real man to trust another like those involved in the BDSM lifestyle. It takes a real man to submit to another man, for to be spanked, slapped, whipped, etc and not want to turn around and pummel the guy just because he has done so. For those that are into the lifestyle and are bottoms we are butting our trust and our lives in another man's hands. Is it possible to hurt someone physically and emotionally, sure it is, but that is part of the risk that we take.

Thoughts about Camp Red Tails!

 I remember going to camp as a child and couldn't wait for that time to come that I could go, year after year. Getting to see old friends and make new ones. All the fun things to do, go canoeing, playing with a bb-gun (mom and dad wouldn't let me have one), doing arts and crafts, swimming, and all the fun things that came with camp.

Now an all new exciting camp is waiting for me, I've been giddy and excited like when I was a child getting ready for camp. Ever since I committed myself to going, paying the money in payments, buying my airfare, deciding where to stay for the few days before camp, all the new things that  I've bought for my trip, new duffel bag, a new t-shirt,Drop seat Pjs, a new game system to travel with so that I have games, movies, music to keep my mind occupied, just in case there happens to be a long delay thanks to fog to get into San Fran. I also bought a new Tigger that will be coming with me (I know, I've been told that Tigger isn't going to be able to save me from a sore ass). If you can't tell I'm a huge fan of Tigger and will be bringing lots of Tigger related items.

But, why am I so excited about Camp Red Tails???? Why am I excited about pulling down my pants and having my ass blistered by another man, submit to his power and his authority. I guess its just who I am, I tend to think of myself as being submissive!

Will I finally have the chance to find a Sir/Dom/Master that is right for me? Or am I excited because I get to meet so many of the people that I've read about in blogs, on websites or in chat, finally having the chance to put a name with a face. Having the chance to do somethings that are Summer Campish? (Its my blog I can make up words if I want, :P) Such as swimming, hot tubing, streaking, causing mischief just to see if you can get away with it??? Having a little roleplaying fun, learning a new card game, a new dice game? playing discipline dice with someone new???

I've watched the video more than a dozen times about what the camp is like, but seeing it in person is a completely different thing. Just like the first time that I ever visited San Francisco, not that long ago. Last September for Folsom Street Fair, have I heard tales of course I have, have I seen pictures and videos of past years of course, but it never prepares you for the real thing. I can't wait to actually step foot on camp property.

I think its all of the above for me, plus I get to have a couple of days roaming around the streets of San Francisco as a tourist before making the journey up to camp. I have a feeling that the person that I'm riding with to camp will be lots of fun to be around, I already know of a few stops that we will be making along the way to gear up for camp! Watch out everyone here I Come!

Previous Experiences

I've shared with some of my closer friends some of the experiences that I've had in the past in the BDSM lifestyle, some of them have been wonderful, some of them have been down right scary, as I write more of this blog I will try and share more of them.

The one that I really want to share is what truly got me into learning and knowing what and who I am. When I first started like so many others, I thought I was a top, at the time I thought I was straight as well and mostly played with women, I did have the chance to play on very rare occasions with other men. But, anyway on to my first experience as a bottom...This took place back when I lived in Atlanta, Ga there was a local Dungeon called PEP (People Exchanging Power) it was run by the Lovely Lady D. It was her birthday, I'm not going to even say what year it was or how old she was! (Because I can't remember) She was accepting birthday spankings, which means that she was going to spank you for her birthday and not someone spanking her.  Well, I decided to submit to her and take her spanking even though I was a Dom, well, I dropped my pants and underwear and went across her knee, If I remember right she was using a paddle to spank with, she got close to her age and asked me how many more to get to her age, well, I took that and added 20 years to it, she laughed, and so did I. But then I cried when she told me that we were going to start from 0 and work are way to the age that I specified. We got to that age and then she asked me again how old she was, I told her the correct age to try and stop the spanks, well, it didn't stop there, we went back to 0 one more time and went to her correct age.
  After this wonderful experience, I was hooked and have been searching ever since then to find someone that could take me back to this level.

That Feeling

I know that I'm supposed to use this space to write down my feelings, but I'm not sure if this is the right way to go about this. Just thinking about talking about this brings feelings of apprehension.

Ever have a feeling, a deep down feeling every time that you talk to someone or think about someone.  Your heart skips a beat, tears well up in your eyes and you can't wait to see that person, talk to that person. Even if its only for a brief few moments in a given day, it gives you something to look forward to day in and day out.

There are only a few people in my life that cause this to happen, I think one of them knows that it happens, but the other doesn't realize the way that I feel.  I'm not going to give names, because I don't think its appropriate. But as I love to say, Only time will tell what happens!

Who am I?

OK, I know its strange to make 2 post in a single day, seems that I would reserve this post for another day, but I have so much on my mind that I've been wanting to talk about for so long.

First of all, I still haven't come out of the closet to my family, they are strong believers in the bible and strong christians and I'm really afraid of what their reaction will be. Its only been 3 years that I came out to friends and decided that I was tired of lying to myself about who I really am. I did the girlfriend thing all through high school and college, I guess more to make my parents happy than to make myself happy. My mom has said she would still love and accept me if I was gay but I really don't know if thats the truth or not.

Second, Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle isn't accepting with my parents either. They found out about my spanking fetish once and made me go to a Christian counselor to talk about my problems and that its not necessary for one to hit or be hit to be loved. They will never understand why I love this lifestyle and I never expect them to understand it.

I love the thought about being submissive to another man, its what I have wanted for the longest time. I can hear some people say well there are lots of Doms/Masters out there. I know this, but it has to be special, I just don't want someone that I meet online and have an online Master, for those of you who have chosen this route that is good for you, but in my personal opinion I find it completely stupid. Doesn't make any sense to me! I want a Master that is real, that I can touch, that I can feel, that will get inside my head, that will learn the ins and outs of me as a person, someone that knows me better than I know myself.

This blog is about:

1. How I have been searching for that one special Master, that one special person that calls me his and that I can call mine. Someone that will push me to my limits almost to the point of breaking, to the edge.
   
2. About my past experiences that I've had whether they have been good or bad. I've learned lost of my journey so far and want to share it.
3. What I hope to gain in the future
   

The beginning

I've been wanting to start a blog for the longest time, but I really have been aprhensive about the whole thing. What do I write about, do I share stories, do I talk about personal experiences? I guess I would say Yes to all of the above.

I'm sure many of you that are reading this are asking yourselves what is he rambling on and on about, what is this blog about? Well, this blog is about my personal journey, about how I've come to figure out who I am, what I am and what I want to become and do with my life.

Hopefully, I can intrigue you enough to stick around as I try and write this all down, I can't say that it will be the most interesting thing you have ever read but hopefully it will let you know more about who I am as a person.

My name is Ryan aka LilTigger, I'm a 34yo gay male that is into the BDSM lifestyle. That in a quick sentence is who I am.