Questions? Camp?

After making some bad choices last night did I completely destroyed anything that I could of had? Did I go about it completely wrong? I know that the one that I was hoping would someday be my Sir was upset, that it was my fault what happened between him and his boy and what got him in trouble as well. Why didn't I fall down to my knees and beg him for forgiveness, seems that someone in my situation would of  done this. Someone that I respect greater than I have ever respected in the past, from reading his blogs, to talking to him on a really personal level day to day, getting upset with myself and shedding tears when I do or say something stupid to make him upset with me? I was hoping to petition him to be one of his boys, but I may have completely destroyed that.

I was so looking forward to spending time with him in the next week, getting to know him on a really personal level and letting him do the same with me. I so badly wanted to get to know his boy, his Sir and his friends. But, have I ruined it all with my actions, my emotions. Will he still want to be around me, will he still use his strap, his paddle, his hands the way that he has promised in the past before last night?

I've been so looking forward to Camp Red Tails and my trip to San Francisco. Now I'm not so sure! Do I want to go to meet everyone, to put a name with a face, Yes I want to go for this reason. Do I want to go to be spanked, Yes. But, in all the fun, will I be able to look the man in the face that I feel I've disappointed on such a level, that he may or may not speak to me. Is he as disappointed in me as I am in myself? or maybe I just hold myself to a certain level. I know that I'm not his but I sure have dreamed about it, ever since I talked to him for the first time.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, maybe I'm just upset with myself, but Only time can tell!